50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
by christmasinacup
Summary: Scully can never shake the guilt she feels when she leaves Mulder. Set about a year before season 10.


She was sitting in a coffee shop, sipping a hazelnut latte. It was a trendy, definitely overpriced place, but she really liked their coffee and didn't go often, only a few times a year after doctor and dentist appointments. Both offices were in a complex around the corner.

She'd just gotten a physical. Everything looked good and according to her doctor, she probably wouldn't hit menopause for a few more years. It was welcome news. After years of cancer and infertility and feeling like her body was against her, she was grateful for calmer times. In the last year, the worst she'd had was a cold.

She got that cold because of Mulder. Because he had insisted they sit on a blanket and stargaze one frigid night in November and one thing had led to another, as usual, and before she knew it they were having sex basically in the front yard, too desperate to touch each other to get up and walk the few hundred feet into the house. They fell asleep after and woke up at 1am, both shivering with only their socks on under Mulder's coat.

She didn't blame him. He got a cold from that night too, and he didn't even care. It was moments like those when she felt a stab a guilt. She drove back to her apartment in DC the next afternoon, feeling like a horrible person because Mulder would risk freezing his ass off and getting sick just to touch her. And she couldn't even entertain a conversation with him about where they stood.

It had been a few years of casual sex, occasional fights and finally, accepting that there was no way for them to be in a committed relationship but also no way to stay apart for more than a few months.

They had last seen each other 2 weeks ago. Mulder had to come into the city to renew his drivers license. Now that he was a free man, he easily could have done it via mail, but she suspected he wanted the excuse to be in the neighborhood. He texted her in the morning and asked if he could make her dinner. She agreed to meet him at her place after work and then immediately felt self-conscious about having him over. He came over very rarely and she felt like he was never fully comfortable in her apartment.

Surprisingly, they hadn't had sex after dinner. He made spaghetti Bolognese, she made them Long Island iced teas and after, he challenged her to a game of Scrabble. She'd been taken aback by this tame, mature suggestion. And by his game choice - she usually kicked his ass at Scrabble. He shocked her again that night by almost beating her and then excusing himself, saying he had a long drive and should get home. She gave him a tender and brief kiss goodbye and closed the door behind him feeling confused.

Had they just had a perfectly normal night? A domestic, quiet night without anything evolving into sex? It was so unlike them. She liked it.

She still wanted to rip his clothes off, of course. There would never be a time when she didn't want Mulder sexually.

Scully was pulled out of her thoughts by the song playing over the coffee shop stereo.

 _"...I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free_

 _There must be fifty ways to leave your lover_

 _She said it's really not my habit to intrude_

 _For the more I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued_

 _So I repeat myself, at the risk of being cruel..."_

She frowned as the lyrics progressed. How many ways had she left Mulder? She thought about it a lot, marinating in her guilt and angst. Usually when she was caught off guard by things like this. Mulder loved Paul Simon and one time when this song came on the radio while they were on the run, he joked about writing a follow-up song about the 51st way to leave a lover, alien abduction. She has forced a laugh at the joke at the time, but really it made her uncomfortable. It felt too soon to talk about that at the time.

Out of her own curiosity and also cruelty towards herself, she pulled a notebook out of her purse and began to write down all the ways she had left him.

1\. Being abducted (this one wasn't her fault)

2\. Running off to that cancer treatment center instead of going home

3\. Getting dragged away to the arctic (also not her fault)

4\. Changing her mind about their sexual relationship a few months after he kissed her for the first time on New Year's Eve. She was scared, it had lasted all of 48 hours, and then a few months later, he disappeared and she found herself pregnant

5\. 6 months after they settled down in the unremarkable house, she became restless and frustrated with him. She didn't want to live in hiding forever and had just started her job at the hospital. It reminded her that everyone else was out living their lives. She packed a bag, spent a week at her mothers and returned home to a heartbroken Mulder. It took a few days for him to forgive her but he did. She hated that he forgave so quickly.

6\. When she moved out of the house for good, after they took that case. She saw the darkness creeping back into Mulder's mind and she felt fragile enough without worrying she was going to come home to find him in a manic state. They didn't speak for almost 3 months after she moved. For a while, she thought that maybe they were finally broken beyond repair. There were a lot of sleepless nights filled with tears during that time. But he'd called eventually, asking her for psychiatrist recommendations. She'd been so relieved that he was still alive that she almost sobbed while on the phone with him.

Since then, it had been a life in limbo. They would email every once and a while, take turns calling and soon enough, starting seeing each other in person every once and a while. Then they started having sex again, which turned into a conversation about a what they each wanted. Neither knew, so they avoided the topic and continued to stay in limbo.

She looked at her list. 6 wasn't bad. But she did feel guilty every time she left his house and went another 2 weeks without speaking to him, so counting those she'd left hundreds of times since moving out.

Her phone rang and she snapped back to reality. Paul Simon was no longer crooning over the speakers, instead it was an indie song she didn't recognize. She glanced at her phone screen.

Mulder. Of course. Could he read minds?

"Mulder," she said, picking up the phone right before the ringing ended. "Hey."

"Hey Scully."

Her heart skipped a beat and she hated herself for a split second.

"What's up?"

"Well, I'm in town because I needed a new laptop and... can I see you? Are you free tonight?"

She paused. Making her list reminded her just how messed up their relationship was. Was it wrong to say yes? Should she set boundaries once and for all? She would if she had any idea what the hell she wanted to do.

"Yes, I am," she answered. "I'm just leaving the doctor, I'll be home in an hour probably."

"Doctor?" She heard the panic in his voice and smiled sadly. He was always so worried about her.

"Just a routine physical," she reassured him. "I'm fine."

His sigh of relief could be heard through the phone.

"Okay. Good. I'll see you in an hour."

"See you then," she said, hanging up. She finished off her coffee and crumpled her list up in a ball, tossing it in the garbage can on the way out of the coffee shop. Dwelling in the past wasn't going to do her any good. She needed to think about what she wanted in the future.

When she got in the car and started it, the radio started blaring.

 _"Sometimes love don't feel like it should, you make it hurt so good..."_

She laughed out loud to herself in the car. Was it a sign? She sang along the rest of the song, smiling to herself the whole time.

 _"Sink your teeth right through my bones, baby, let's see what we can do…"_


End file.
